Thread: What does it take to stop hating an ex?

I'm with Backman, he has to grieve it's a loss so you have to grieve it. He also has to come to point where he's willing to take his part of the responsibility in the marriage being over, you can't get past things if you don't take responsibility for them b/c he'll always blame his wife so he'll have no power to overcome it. Forgiveness not just forgiving her but forgiving himself, which is way harder. You can't do anything but support him, don't talk bad about her even if he does b/c when people did that or when I brought up past hurt, all the those hurt feelings came flooding back at that moment and it was like being hurt all over again, it sucked.

Time and acceptance, of what happened happened and no amount of venom or hate is gonna change that. A lot of the hate stems from anger at ourselves - for not seeing what was going on, for wasting the time and effort, etc.

The important thing is that he doesn't try to jump into another relationship until the venom is gone. You can still get about how the ex behaves/says/etc. but for me at least it was once I stopped comparing almost everything in the present to what happened in the relationship or with the ex.

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Originally Posted by Necie
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I agree with what Richard and LilJean said. I'd also like to add that resentment sometimes comes into play when people begin to blame themselves for allowing someone to hurt them. You have no control of what a person does or doesn't do. You do have control over what you allow them to do to you. I resented my ex for a short while because I couldn't believe that I stayed with him for so many years (12 in total) and just allowed him to continuously treat me like dirt. But that was my fault - for staying so long and putting up with so much. He and I talk on the phone like best friends sometimes. Time heals all (or at least most) things. And let me tell YOU, I've been through just about anything you can imagine going wrong in a marriage. LOL! I hope your friend gets through this alright.

I co-sign with that Necie, I struggled to forgive myself and release the resentment b/c I was dang mad at me for staying in that mess for as long as I did. But you're right, that was my fault for putting up with that but once I accepted that, I had the power to overcome it. And I must say I'm not telling her friend to shoulder all the blame, but you can't also act like you had no hand in the end of the marriage. It takes two to get into a marriage, takes two to get out it. All things do take a while, it shouldn't take forever but it can take awhile and his process of grieving the loss of the marriage, he's got to go with it.

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Originally Posted by Necie
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LOL! I still don't believe my ex understands what he did wrong. He's in denial till the end but at least we can be friends at the end of the day.

Mine don't either but really that's his problem not mine LOL. Because he'll never be able to move on to a really good, functional relationship if he don't acknowledge it. He may get involved with someone or married again but I feel sorry for her, if he ain't done some self-reflection, she'll deal with the fall out of that. It's good thing you two can be friends especially for your kids sake, personally I think since he's not your problem anymore it may make it easier. LOL.

Time and perspective. Right now she's in the middle of everything-so her bitterness and anger are mixed with sorrow, the what might have been's, and probably romanticizing what doesn't need to be romanticized because it was unhealthy. With time away from the middle of the storm and perspective, she will come to realize why this may be a better alternative for her (i.e. being free from this individual.)

It's perfectly normal at this stage to be very angry and somewhat bitter. I said some pretty hateful things when my husband and I split up. Time and self examination are the only things that work. There's nothing anyone else can do except be supportive and encouraging.

To get over an ex, simply move on and devote that time to making your life better. It will be hard but find a hobby, new friends, your job etc...anything to not think of the ex. I'm not saying act like they never existed but learn from the experince and move on.