Thread: Lost Friends because of a divorce

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Originally Posted by Seekingtina
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Has anyone ever lost friends because you went through or were going through a divorce? When I decided to leave my husband, I tried to maintain as normal of a social life with my friends as possible. I noticed that people stopped calling or would not return my calls. I noticed that emails were not addressed even facebook contact went unanswered. Is it me or do people run away from you when you go through one of the most painful experiences in your life. Heck! I would not wish divorce on my worst enemy. However, it is painful when you see people that you thought were your friends flee. I began to ask myself, "Were they friends of the couple and since the couple no longer existed, then the friendship did not exist?" "Do they think that I want something from them?" "Did they think that I want to discuss the divorce with them?" It is interesting because the last thing I wanted to discuss was the divorce. I wanted normalcy--conversation or activity to take my mind off my troubles. I guess you find out who your friends really are when you are walking through it, huh?
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Has anyone experienced this?

I'm not divorced, but I've seen it happen. Everyone knows divorce involves division of assets and desisions about who gets custody of the kids. No one mentions that it can also involve the question of who gets custody of the friends.

Often, I think people avoid a divorcing couple because they don't want to get drawn into the "war" between them. If they're nice to person A, then they're "betraying" person B, et cetera.

When I left my ex-husband, really no. Because surprisingly I realized we had no mutual friends, he had friends I would hang with, most to them were okay but it wasn't like I was dying to hang around them alone before or after the divorce. I had friends he'd hang with, some he didn't care for, my best friend who he thought had made me divorce him, however, he tried to make into a confidant of his, that was just weird b/c she'd been there for most of the marriage so when he said crazy, untrue stuff she would contradict him. I'm not sure, why he tried that but he did a lot of weird stuff after I left him. We went to the same church, actually it was my church and he joined it was an AME church so more AA people than anything else but we have a small amount white members. My Pastor is trying to up that, but it's tough, this is Seattle. But a week ago he showed up after not going to the church for like a year and a half with his new girlfriend. It's still my church, I still go, I'm getting married there so I don't know what that was about but thank God I decided to not to church that weekend. It's been a strange trip during and after this divorce. I swear when were married he hardly ever wanted to hang with my family, now he's chatting them up all the time. Surprisingly he speaks with some of my family often, my mother, my sister in law, my niece but my family is like that they wouldn't throw him over cause we're not together anymore nor would I ask them to be like that. However, his family won't speak to me anymore, me and his brother were close friends but not anymore. I was sad but it was okay, I don't want that to cause tension between him and his brother.

I think people are uncomfortable when divorce happens, they don't know what the to do, don't know whose side to pick so they usually they may go with the spouse they were more familiar with even if you'd actually been friends previously as a couple. It's complicated, I just say get some new friends, it's not worth having people in your life that won't support you in life journeys. And after awhile it won't be so painful, b/c take it from me the pain subsides and you do get on with your life. The best I can say is make sure you learn whatever it is you need to learn from this experience.

This is tough on both. Old friends will go with who they new first and so will most others but there is often some distancing between friends when one is in a relationship and the other is ending one as significant as a marriage. There are a variety of reasons: envy because they wish to be single, fear on their spouse/mate's part that their relationship will be damaged by a man/woman hating friend to the assumption that you are now into a single life style that is viewed as counter to a couples life style. Over time many of these friendships may draw closer again if you choose. And it will be your choice because you will now know who is really willing to standby you and you will make new friends that you will be spending time with. And your life style and concerns will change. On the one hand it sucks but on the other hand it is liberating as there is a freedom inherent in a fresh start that will mitigate the loss of anyone that formerly seemed so close. Perhaps it is a caution to everyone to remember to make sure friendships are maintained that are bound by more than shared status as "couples".